Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Saturday, 10 August 2013

sentimental summer

What an awesome summer we have had.
The amazing glorious sun has made life so much sweeter, and subsequently I've felt that life feels full of possibilities.  This may be due to Pugs starting work as a fully qualified nurse!!!!! All those months of hard slog for all of us has paid off. I have gained a small (temporary) promotion at work, moving into pupil support which I am both terrified and excited about.

Archie my darling starts school in a few days time.....such mixed emotions. I know in many ways he will thrive, he is a sponge for info and loves facts and knowledge, his catch phrase this summer has been " tell me everything you know about - insert any random topic - mummy". He does however struggle doing things he isn't interested of. My main worry is whether he will make pals, I know he is adorable,  but of course I want everyone else to also. He is pretty full on and enthusiastic and not your run of the mill wee man, I know he'll sort it out himself, yet nevertheless it is hard.
We did have some breakthroughs this summer, Archie gave up his tata and after  few weeks of me having to help him to sleep we cracked it with audio books, in particular fantastic Mr fox. Mini no longer gets her tata out the house which has been easy.

Mainly we have been beaching, day tripping, parking, swimming a lot! Lunching, snuggling, having long breakfasts, picking strawberries and making jam, playing with wee pals and cousins

We had a fantastic week glamping in a safari tent living with chickens, ducks, lambs and rabbits, cooking outdoors and running on the sand.

We had our last ever swim in kirkcaldy pool as a family, such sentimental swimming, we spent a huge chunk of our lives in that pool. I swam my 5ks there, I swam with Alfie there, I trained for 100's of miles over the last 35 years. it will be amazing to have a new clean pool, but it was sad to say goodbye.......

At the beginning of summer is was so eager to make sure we did stuff, even writing a list. I quickly realised that spending time with family is and friends was what I needed, the kids and me together just being was more important than going rushing around, what they want is me, even if it is just a evening walk to the supermarket and a wee chat along the way. I must remember for future holidays it is the simple act of being together is what matters.

Shit I miss my kids when I'm working. Looking forward to our next phase on our crazy wee journey.

Monday, 31 December 2012

struggling (again!, I hear you all collectively moan)

I've so missed blogging, at nights as I lay beside the weeones as the drift of into sleep next to me I write posts in my head - it helps me formulate my emotions and daily reflections.
So, for my own benefit I'm gonna try again to make a commitment to write weekly over the next year. Not sure what I want to focus on yet, probably my usual mish mash of nonsense.

As I sit alone, a new year approaching I am trying not to invest too much emotion in the time nor date. I've turned the tv off to avoid festivities. Pugs has been ill since he finished uni (Finished uni, yai one of the awesome events of the year, and one I am so proud of - he worked his ass off this last year, I spent many a family events minus my husband and way too many sat nights alone, while he worked away) - Momo has broken her Achilles, and mum and dad are out of action now.....so my usual hogmany companions are otherwise engaged this year.

As I consider myself an optimistic person, I find this current extreme blue phase out of character and tedious. To paraphrase Miss Golightly  the blues are bad, but we know why we are down - the mean reds are much worse, they suck....one feels down with no obvious explanation.
I have been swinging between the two for too long.

The struggle between, working fulltime, being a present, balanced and caring parent, wife, friend, daughter is not an easy one for me. My Dad's progress is very limited to say the least and is my prime concern and contribution to my blues.....gosh it is so difficult. I miss my dad, I miss my mum and watching their daily struggle is too painful. My tears so very close to the surface and  I find them slipping out more often than I feel comfortable with.

 My darling wee ones are the salvation - every day they fill me with joy and laughter, their banter is hysterical right now - I love their company and feel overwhelmed with love every morning when they snuggle into bed next to us.

And so to conclude - this year has been shit - no point pretending. That is not to say some lovely things have happened - but sadly my Dad's stroke and the repercussions of it  have overshadowed everything. As I attempt to maintain my optimistic nature I hope for a brighter future, however, even I can't seem to see a way through it..........other than to get used to our new way of life.

Struggle seems to have been my catchphrase of 2012 - I hope 2013 brings the opposite and our lives are filled with ease instead. So a weekly post celebrating the things I am grateful for might help bring some comfort........wish us luck xxx

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Another year further on.....x

Strange to think that the last 5 years have been the hardest and yet the sweetest. We have come along way, and yet the further we have come the further I am from Alfie. That pretty much sums up our bittersweet situation.

We did however, have a lovely day - took beautiful flowers to Alfie's grave, the kids took balloons - gorgeous red and purple with wee heart balloons attached. I shed a tear or few when I saw the kids, especially wee Pegster.....the innocence, is heartbreaking - my 2 are way too informed and au fait with death and the grave yard is pedestrian to them. The cakes at Loch Levens Larder were as lush as usual, as was the company. The kids were great, shame it was awful weather, the day Alfie died it was a gorgeous sunny autumnal day. Monday was grim and grizzly, didn't stop our lot - out playing in the rain.
My mum always has a mass said for Alfie, as I never go to mass nor believe in any form of afterlife I go for my mums sake......This year I was way more emotional, I think because for the 1st time I had to spend the day hiding my tears from the kids, previously they have been unaware of my emotional state. It was so healthy to let go, and allow the tears to fall, I had a small pool sitting in the valley of my neck.
Pug and I watched a movie and had some quiet time in the eve, it felt good to just be together.

I spent tue in an exhausted fog, I always find the aftermath way harder - tears so close to the surface. Luckily the kids were in nursery so I slept loads, and hung out in the house avoiding anyone other than Pugs....licking my wounds and navel gazing. I went for  run at the time Alfie was born, it was pissing down I was soaking and it was dark - I spent the whole run remembering him in my arms. So glad I ran, more time for 'us'.

One of the lovely things about the day was my dad's awareness I was dreading him having no idea what was going on, he was however on the ball. He even managed to write our card with his left hand.......different tears.

My beautiful wee man, another year over - yet  your presence is still felt and far reaching. Archie talks of you often and both him and Sadie look in your box regularly. Never forgotten my 1st boy, my forever baby xxxx

Sunday, 11 November 2012

lost count....

Don't even know how many days it has been since I posted.
I've missed writing, posting photos and keeping track of our lives, however in the main life has been pretty tough, truth be told.
I really didn't want to document for our future a crappy phase, that said I can't let my wee mans anniversary pass without writing.

Not sure why 5 years seems so significant, why it should be any harder than any other. I have felt pretty fragile for a  a few weeks, however tonight I feel numb. I'm exhausted and in many ways I am relishing the prospect of having a day to feel down legitimately, how hellishly self indulgent.
In some ways I miss Alfie more as time moves on, the harsh pain of loss has gone, now the constant shadow of how my life would have been is what I live with.
I also query now whether, I should be feeling so emotional at this stage? I'm sure a number of people will judge me over the next few days - I'm calling in to work tomorrow. The prospect of teaching kids and being under that level of stress is too much. I want to spend a day in peace with our living kids, holding them close and thinking of their big brother. We are going to take flowers to the cemetery, the kids are taking balloons and then we are going for cake and a walk as a family.

This time 5 years ago Pug and I were having dinner with my Antony and Kirsty, I was massive and so uncomfortable. 37+4 weeks pregnant and just 'waiting'. I had a few tightenings over the eve and was quietly becoming excited - little did I know it would be the last night of my life as I was to know it. Life has now become pre and post Alfie.....sigh xxx

Not a day goes by without thinking of you sweetheart, my heart is bigger and stronger than I ever imagined possible, thanks for that wee man xxx

Sunday, 9 September 2012

257-263 quiet week, friends and family time, lovely.

We have had a mellow week, lots of time for cuddles and napping together, hmmm actually I just keep falling asleep in the kids bed at night. Which is so cosy, especially when Archie tells me as he is falling asleep 'your my heart mummy, I love you' - gosh wee man I couldn't have said it better myself.

Yesterday I spent the day with the kids visiting Grandma Granda for lunch. We had a great time, for the 1st time I left the kids with them and popped down the town for 20mins and it was a success.Dad is steadily improving, he does seem to understand more of what we are saying, although more asking him to do something rather than chat. I still catch myself sometimes forgetting he isn't who he was and become overwhelmed with sadness. My lovely dad, I miss him.
My mum is coping, I must say again for the record how amazing she is, not only is she taking amazing care of my dad she is also totally supporting his rehab......her teacher instinct i think. On top of all of that, she is also picking me up from work, picking up the kids from nursery, picking up shopping for us during the week - what a legend.
Talking of legends (must be genetic)  we also visited with GG who we haven't had a chance to see for weeks, another lovely blether, sweeties for the bairns and more cuddles. She was full of her usual chat and chuffed to see the wee ones.

We also had the pleasure of Andrew this week doing a wee stint at wrap around care - what a pleasure, he occupied the kids so well I actually got the dinner made without either of them screaming, pulling at my skirt, battering each other or any other major meltdowns, he is welcome anytime. He is the master Thomas track engineer and a hero in Archie's eyes
sheer joy to a wee man

Friday night the kids a lovely new treat from a friend from work, Archie loved the map of Australia in the back of Possum Magic and Mini loved the food in both of them. Adorable books and such kindness form a great woman.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

243-256 phew we made it - so far

Well somethings got to give - here's the list
starting with  - My sanity! closely followed by sleep, kid time, time alone, sewing (whats that) knitting and running. Gutted gutted I never did the 10K, I've been harping on about it for months - 8 to be precise, it was my goal for the year. Never mind, en route I have managed to run regularly enough that I miss it if I can't fit a run in, hence daily lunchtime visits to the school gym treadmill.

I have had little to post about other than the daily grind. Yesterday Momo and I took the kids to fife animal park, they loved it. Baby meerkats feeding from mama was a big hit with Sadie and Archie loved a wee deer that he wanted to take home for a pet.

 Afterwards we went to pillars of Hercules, love it there, always feel relaxed and happy whilst visiting. Even more excited to see they are offering semi wild camping now, bonus. Sadie 'luffs' doggies, Pillars is always a good spot to meet new doggie pals.

I'm doing skirtember again this year. I figure it will be nice to have a month of frivolous posting......I wonder if I look much different from last year, I bloody hope so after all the running.

Monday, 20 August 2012

236-242 Yikes, Baptism of fire

what a hellish week, I returned to work on monday pretty keyed, was mucked around all day and finally at 3.30pm was told that my request to go pt was rejected - for now! what, we had no childcare in place for the end of the week, I was so upset - tears, rage, cuddles - sigh, rains but pours comes to mind.
I did manage however by wed to have settled down, dusted myself down and accepted that I may have to be a full time working mum.
All this has only been possible (in the manner of Oscar acceptance speech!) because once again our amazing family friends have stepped up.

The kids are really struggling wee lambs, Sadie follows me around constantly needing held, Archie is just exhausted and by Thursday was asking for a lazy day - Hmmm I wish son. I was on my knees by friday aft - no weekend rock n roll for us.

Sat we went to the park.
An awesome day was had by all, we spent the am doing housework stuff, such pleasure in making a pot of coffee and relaxing whilst pottering around the house and garden. The kids were so happy playing and relaxing. We spent the aft in the park, Momo took us. So peaceful, we walked and Archie rode his bike, we stopped at a bench and had a wee snack whilst looking out over the water, no rushing to be anywhere, the perfect antidote to a week of rushing every waking minute.

Sunday at the beach, just lovely. Costa coffee, digging, almond croissant, crabs, sea stars, worms, rock pools, new friends, sunshine, paddling - we all felt like we were back on holiday.

I have no idea how long I will have to be full time at work, I am trying to remain positive about the situation. Everyone keeps telling me that the kids will get used to it. I am aware they will, however I am also aware their getting used to 'it' is essentially them getting used to being without me. I want them to be independent but maybe no quite yet, sniff sniff.