Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Monday, 31 January 2011

Sadie's 'Flossie's pinafore' pattern courtesy lazyseamstress Ta xxx

I made this lovely wee pinafore for Sadie this weekend......so excited about her wearing it. The pattern is from Lazyseamstress blog - another mum who lost a baby. The patterns free, however she asks we mention her daughter Flossie. It was really simple and I'm looking forward to making many more. One of the joys of maternity leave other than being home wi the kids, is making things......love it. I've included a close up of the fabric - I bought it on holiday in california 2 years ago - didn't think at the time i'd be making my wee lassie a frock!
In memory of Flossie another lovely wee girl.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Never forget him......

When Alfie died my nana, who is 89 came to see me. She had lost her 1st baby also a boy 64 years previously. She said 'you'll never forget him'. I remember thinking of course I'm not gonna forget him - I can't breathe without thinking about him, replaying everything in my mind a million times a day........ It is only 3 years later that I understand the enormity of what she was saying. I can honestly say that in 3 years and more not a single day has passed without me thinking about him - obviously I've no cried everyday, but at least once or not more he is in my thoughts - it's become normal now - I'm Clare who had a son that died.

Monday, 24 January 2011

sadie's 1st sit

my wee darling Sadie sat for the 1st time a few days ago...... not my teeny girl anymore. She has also started baby led weaning which she is loving, I love it too - she looks so adorable snacking on 'big people' food. I am loving the BLW so low stress, after weaning archie in the traditional way, where I obsessed about his daily intake and worried if I was doing everything properly. I'm sure most parents react like this with their 1st baby, but after burying a child it makes me think am I more uptight. NO, how lovely to realise that with Sadie I'm much more relaxed

Monday, 17 January 2011

beloved child

The day before Alfie died - a sunday, Pug went down the town alone. When he came home he'd bought me a wee pressie, my 1st kokeshi doll. She is beautiful red and cream, very simple, hand carved and named 'beloved child'. I was so emotional when he gave it to me, we had been having a rough time in our relationship, he was over worked and i was nervously awaiting the birth of our 1st child and anxious about all that that entails.
How strange to think that within 24hrs of receiving the 'beloved child' our beloved child would be dead?

2 years later 'beloved child' is sitting on my desk at work and i use her in a lesson, i am telling the kids about kokeshi dolls and there significance re 1,000 paper cranes and Sadako Sasaki. I wonder if i will always feel the need to insert stories of my Alfie into my day to day life. I know the kids in school all know I lost my 1st baby and many have appreciated my candor and have come to me with similar stories of loss. I also feel it is good for children to be aware of lives frailty.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

why me route.....

why not me, what's so special about me that shitty things don't happen to me????
Karma? hmmmmm not sure, i must have been pretty bad previously - or Alfie was sent as a lesson, a way to learn to be grateful, to love, to feel compassion?

Friday, 7 January 2011

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Tuesday Club

When Alfie died I met a few other mums who had recently lost babies, these women have become central to my life - existence, without them I'd be a basket case.

Originally we all met for lunch once a week, however as our families grew and we evolved into a larger group we started to meet weekly in the park - the kids could run around, we could chat and it was free!

A few of us are on the committee of our local sands and decided there was a gap in the support we offer, so Ta da we started an official tuesday club.
It is very much in its infancy, we meet every tuesday in a local church hall and it is open to anyone who has lost a baby and is officially part of sands.......peer support, cuddles, help through parenting, help through anniversaries.
This wee club is something I am so proud of, I remember the 1st few months of being a mum to a live child, it was filled with wonder, love, bewilderment and fear, all exacerbated by the fact that I'd buried on baby already and let's face it I was terrified I'd have to do it again.
So, TC is my little haven, and a place i know i can help others find comfort and some 'normality'.
parenting when you have a lost a child is different and it's ok to say that, it's also ok to feel 'normal' parent feelings too........ but i'll deal with that later!

Sunday, 2 January 2011

a new year.....

My 1st year in 4 that i will not be pregnant!!!

I approach this with very mixed emotions, relief! no worry, pain or distress - no dragging my big body to the hospital every week for our CTG and consultant appointment. I do however feel sad that although being pregnant for me is a high anxiety time, i will never enjoy the other side......the 1st flutterings of the new life, the excitement about the life to come, the cautious and precious way i treat myself as a carrier of a new life.

That is not to say I'm not happy with my two little loves, just knowing i will never again give birth is so final.
hmmmm may Mr Williams can be persuaded not to have the snip?
I wonder if losing a child makes one always strive to make more babies, not that i can ever replace alfie, more that i can cancel all the negative associations of pg by having as many positive ones as i can?