28th and final day

We are having a shy day, Miss P is not for looking at the camera. Grandma took the photos at the park today. I love that heart hat, one our favourites.

As you can see, I couldn't resist her wearing the knitted dress. Looking forward to getting her Flossie pinafores back on too. It's been a lovely wee project, I've loved taking my darlings photo..... watch this space for Archie doodles antics!

day 27 what a beautiful day

What a gorgeous day, we went for a walk in the Falkland woods with Auntie Monica aka Mo Mo and Auntie Geraldine.....Archie loved it. Sadie was on Daddie's back and loving watching the sky. After our wee walk and Archie's impromptu tour of the wee farm (moo moos and most excitingly tractors!) we went to Pillars of Hercules and managed to sit outside for coffee. Sadie had a wee picnic.

Madam has a sweet wee frock on that her GG got for her, its very girlie but cute and her jeans which I must finally give up and pass on....they are size up to 3months, so she must finally be getting too big for them.I t bought them when she was 2 months old and they were enormous. Mums milk must be doing the trick. Tomorrow is the last day of the month, so it'll be a tough one deciding what Miss P will wear for her final appearance.......I'm feeling the lovely knitted dress. x

day 26, sunny sunny scotland!

Sadie darling is wearing her wee pal Violet's troosers the day. Plus her adorable vest, which I am so chuffed with I'd have her wear it everyday......need to get a few more done in different colours I think. As you can she has started wanting to stand and gets all excited, so every time we put her down she complains.....she's a girl on a mission.

CHEEKY FACE. Grandma's pressie arrived so she can get it a few days late. Wee baboushka knitting markers, and we made her a little corsage from my wedding dress fabric.......maternity leave means homemade and little pressie this year.

Not eh best photo, but.....actually was gonna blame my camera, however prob because I've never even read the instructions.

day 25 daddy's girl

bonus snap from yesterday....i loved it so much just had to post it.

day 25 was a lounge wear day, earlier Sadie was wearing a lovely molo romper, however BLW struck again. I asked Pug to take today's photo and these are the results.

I know she's wee but poor wee thing her dad showing how shes smaller than the coffee maker! I do think her wee pink cloudy leggings are adorable, they come courtesy of the beautiful Peggy. Actually so does the tshirt, having a big cousin to borrow from is great.

day 24 Grandma's girls

Today is grandmas birthday, we had a lovely time. Antony, Kirsty, wee Peggy, Sonny, Paul and grandma and granda were all at grandmas house for yummy lunch. I made a strawberry cake again - this time it was even better!!! The weather was lovely, we even managed to have coffee and homemade biscotti in the garden - role on spring, this dreechness is too much.

We decided we would be totally corny and dress the girls in the same dress for grandma's bday - they looked v cute. Both wearing lovely green cardi's knitted by grandma of course. Peggy got her little Ernest vest today too. They seem to be catching on, I have 2 other lovely friends also knitting them....

day 23 + plus bonus pic for knitting Auntie Chris

At last the missing pic, specially for Auntie Chris....

Toay my wee sweetie is wearing the dress of mummies dreams. As soon as we discovered we were having a wee girl I knew I wanted a knitted dress for her - months of wednsday nights at knitting club may have had some influence on this weird pregnant desire. You know when you sit and feel your belly and your wee one squimring around and one tries to imagine what baby will look like - mines always had a woolie frock on LOL, shame really because she was born in the height of summer!After much pouring over patterns we have found the right one, it's an Erica Knight pattern which my clever mum adapted, knitted with Kaffe Fasset sock wool - I LOVE IT!, sadly the pictures don't do it justice, trust me it is adorable and exactly as I had imagined. She'll be wearing it for ages. Even better grandma offered to do matching bootees - bonus.

day 22 messy messy play

Sadie enjoyed it so muuch today she gave hersel a clap - Today Sadie is wearing an attractive yellow paint splattered nappy. She did her first painting today with her pals Eilidh and Ivy, they all had a ball and made a big mess. Tomorrow promises to be a big reveal! Grandmas underconstruction outfit has been completed.More knitted pretties.

Best resource

I have been involved in attempting to increase the training at my local hospital. This is something that is so dear to my heart. I received excellent care when Alfie died 9minus the odd little thing), however care during my subsequent pregnancies was inconsistent to say the least. I feel strongly that although care at point of loss is important - follow on care is paramount. I have petitioned my local msp who along with an amazing woman who is a qualified midwife and counsellor, with the support and backing of sands to improve the CPD opportunities for midwives, consultants and clerical staff - I feel that hw one is cared for in next pg's is so important to the outcome of a successful pg and birthing experience. Losing a child makes one realise that we have little control over our lives - in this modern era we believe we can and should be able to control everything, alas when it come to life and death this isn't so. A bitter pill to be forced to swallow. This lack of control is scary and debilitating and for some unbelievable. Regaining that control is hard, however in a subsequent pg it is possible to gain some control. If one is supported by caring and responsive practitioners. I felt it was important to me to know everything, I went armed with notes and lists of questions - I needed to know exactly how things would go. I wanted (in opposition to my nature/previous desires) a totally controlled labor in a hospital setting with midwives I knew. I wanted my antenatal care from the same people (dispensing with the need to re tell Alfie's story at every appt ) I wanted to be treated with kids gloves, I was special I was a mum who had no child. Luckily due to me being a mouthy besom I got that both times, I felt as though I was running the show, my show, our show......the practitioners where facilitating our pg, not running it. During the subsequent pregnancies, I learnt too much about stillbirth, neonatal death, strepB, genetic anomalies I could go on and on - however I feel this coupled with my own experience make me an ideal candidate to train midwives, clearly I know nothing about legislation or actual technical midwifery, but I do know how it feels to carry and give birth to a dead child, to have to deal with the shock of faded dreams, to organise a funeral - I know from sharing 3 years worth of other womens experiences of how the coped and how they were treated what is the best for parents when they lose and child and are pregnant again..... so why am I being asked to simply deliver a 'parents story', why am I not being allowed to actually talk to the midwives, explain to them how it feels, what one wants and how one wants to be treated. We have been successful and the hospital have agreed that more training is required, however as mentioned above I'm doing the 'parents story', luckily I know the women who are delivering the training, so I'm going to stay for the day and hope that I can add something to the day - maybe at a Q&A. I want people to know that we are not all tragic broken women, that we can be a face of hope - that although strong one can still be vulnerable - the paradox of being a woman who has lost a child and has to be strong and yet has a broken heart. hmmm, more of a rant than I had anticipated and I've stopped and started so my apologies if I have lost my stream of consciousness.

days 19 & 20 we are over our technical hitch

ooops maybe not, Pug took yesterdays photo and we had to edit it, it wont upload now...sorry. however in all honesty it wasn't a fashion photo strictly speaking,unless you class a box as fashion! While madam was waiting on her bath, Pug put her in a box (for safe keeping) - can hear the social from here!!!! anyways our little naked girl looked v cute sitting in her box.

Today our wee girl is wearing Ernest's Pickles vest which I knitted yesterday - yesterday I hear you all say, yes it took one day. So simple and quick - just ideal for us. My mum bought the wool ages ago and the lovely buttons were from Auntie Monica's vintage stash - which she donated to me. Underneath she has her wee smafolk broon cats vest and brothers dungarees. We had a lovely time at boob club today and had a great blether with other mums. On the way home I bought a pattern to make an outfit for Sadie, hoping to make it with the remnants from my wedding dress.

our new trick is clappa clappa handys.. inspired by the lovely Gill and Lisa i'm away to read a book - nae tv the night x

Day 18 saturday Sadie

Today Miss P is lazy like a saturday morning.......wearing her v sweet denim smock dress and a funky stripy pair of leggings she got from Grandma, who buys her so much she can't even remember buying them!! Not that I'm complaining as Grandma has great taste and makes her lovely lovely things ........watch out for new frock which is currently under construction.

I'm thinking about making this outfit for sadie for my cousins wedding this coming summer - I'll have to find a pattern and the right fabric, but I think it is adorable.

day 18 miss p is rockin the mini yogi look, ommmmm

Tonight Miss P is in her post bath hippy lounge wear. This is a onsie my mum brought back from CA. She bought it on the street (telegraph ave, berkeley) where I used to live. I spent years walking past those stalls thinking about buying mad tie-dye for my wee ones....the hat she is wearing I bought in the same place for Archie, as you can see its huge on sadie - but so cute.

i love it, she looks like some mad californian hippy doing yoga xxxx

Day 17 - hiya

Today Miss P is wearing a lovely wee cardigan knitted in opal sock wool (a fave of mines) and a pinny she got from my cousin Philip as a new baby pressie. Her wee bootees are sirdar sublime, she has a gorgeous wee cardi to match - hmmm can't remember if you've all seen that yet?

We had a lovely day today with Auntie Mo mo, took kids to Playplanet (10th rung of hell, but Archie loves it), Dobbies for coffee then a tesco's for messages - what a rock and roll lifestyle eh!

I love chewing my giraffe............Sophie is lovely, but too big for my wee mouth x

day 16 - Yai grandma and grandad are home

Today my wee sweetie is wearing a lovely checky frock, she did have some grey leggings and little hand knitted mary janes on, however she pee'd through LOL. So in the photo she has some red leggings on - you can't see them. Wee lamb had a temp of 104 so she is currently in her jammies next to me feeling so much better as she plays with her wipes. O yeah mummy is actually in a photo.....

what defines me?

Well this blog was meant to be about parenting after loss (for the record I HATE the term loss, Alfie wasn't a job, house or set of keys) and I seem to have been down another route - life takes over sometimes. I do think about my 'status' as a parent of a dead child on a daily basis, this is odd because, when Alfie 1st died I remember saying to anyone who was prepared to listen - I don't want to be defined as 'clare, the woman who lost a baby' I was so terrified that people would pity me, I went back to work so quickly, for many reasons - one being that I wanted to be more than a mourning mother - if I was at work I was also a teacher. More than 3 years later and I find myself in a position where Alfie's death is an integral part of my life in a public and personal way. I never thought all those years ago that I would be so active about Alfie's death, my involvement with sands has now become a big part of my definition. I think I've become strong enough now that I no longer care if people pity me, also I'm sure it is the way you present yourself. I find taking the lead always helps me, if I am open and happy to discuss Alfie folk seem less inhibited, I do worry though that people think Oh there she goes again banging on about stillbirth, death and the negative. I also worry if I stop it then my alfie will no longer be part of my daily life and I like that he defines me, how could I not be defined by such an enormous event - had he survived he would define me, why not in his death. I love you always my wee man, not a day goes by without you filling my thoughts and it fills me with warmth, you gifts to me - a stronger happier woman who knows what counts in life, how sad I never got to see you smile though xxx

day15 flossie's pinafore

Today we are having a wee look at Dada too. Sadie is wearing her new Flossie pinafore that i made on Saturday. My skirt is too big! yep that's right I need to change my pattern now I've lost weight. I love the fabric on this one, I had to make it smaller and now it fits perfect. The fabric came today from fabric rehab for Violet's and Peggy's no too keen on Pegs' fabric but will make it anyway. I prefer to buy fabric from a store where I can touch it and see it in full size, shame the fabric stores round here are pants!! Thanks again to Jeanette for the pattern - remembering Lovely Flossie x

day 14, love love love my wee love

My little love, is wearing her 'I love trees' top that was given to Archie when he was born - in the spirit of lurve.

My wee lovely is doing so well with her baby led weaning, as you can see from below, she loves yoghurt, tonight she also had Spanish rice, avocado and sour cream...mmmmmmmmmmmm O yea, she is also wearing a wee cardigan I kitted for her when i was pg, its so soft - Debbie Bliss baby cashmere, and a pair of dungarees also belonging to Archie.

please vote for sands

lucky 13

Today we had a lovely time.....My wee Mama Cass and I had some time alone in the hoose, sadly we cleaned but the hoose feels great to be in. Then we went to visit with Uncle Finlay, Auntie Geraldine, Lee,Philip, Leon, Kaitlyn and Harry.

As you can see Miss P is wearing her 60's inspired tunic and a wee pair of jeans (not a fan of jeans on a wee one, but what else could I put with this mad wee top). An the ubiquitous baffies.

That tongue just cannae stay in her mouth anymore - cheeky cheeky besom xxx

day 12 - busy as bees

MMMMMMMMMMM we made this lovely strawberry custard cake this morning to celebrate valentines, for all my loves.

the chiclets LOVED it!

Sadie had a wee trip to the store wi her dada wearing her 'katia' memory Elf hoodie, woolie pinny, and leopard print leggings - what a combo,my wee babe.

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I then had a lovely few hours sewing, I made sadie another 'flossie' pinafore and myself a matching skirt - cheesey yes - a mums prerogative yes....she'll hate me for it in years to come i'm sure. Photo's to follow of us in our matching outfits

11th - daytripper

day 11 - we went on wee train journey to burntisland, They painted a nice bowl and we had lunch - kids finished off wi a cupcake. Today the lovely Miss Williams is wearing a sweet wee jumper dress, i think it looks folksy/scandinavian - either way wi her wee red leggings she is adorable as always.

day 10 feeling better the sun is shining x

Sadie's 3rd outfit of the day......between babyled weaning and snotters I finally got round taking a photo 3rd change of the day. Today my wee love is modeling her big cousin Peggy's lovely Ej Sikke Lej nutty romper and of course her knitted by mama baffies.

hoping to get oot and aboot again the morn, makes such a difference to everyones mood. x

Day 9 - Guest appearance!!!

My beautiful Niece Peggy holding her little cousins hand - so adorable. Peggy is so so gentle with her it's just lovely to see- specially after crazy brother bashes about! After months of living in USA it's so great to have them all back together again. Today Sadie is wearing another of Grandmas creations with little flowery leggings. Peggy is wearing her new top and her v funky 70's flared cords. Went to knitting group tonight and succumed again to buying wool, but it'd been in back shop since the 80's so it was only 50p a ball! cannae pass that up. Hoping to make Peggy a wee pinafore similar to Sadie's, might even have enough for two! OOO big news is - Hilary from Dragons Den wools aka knitting club, GAVE me an overlocker tonight, V V excited about using it soon...... hmmm I dream of whiling away hours knitting and sewing - thankfully I have 2 wee bums to clean and mouths to feed. x

poorly 8th day

Today was another PJ day - BUT, more exciting it was Sadie's 1st pain au chocolat day, do you think she liked it? She is wearing her lovely carrot jammies, we have a matching blankie too V cute. Hoping madam is better the morn so we can get out to visit wee Peggy and I have my knitting group - cannae miss that.

day 7, my wee sweetie has her 1st cold, boo

Took a photo today but can't upload it - mini laptop not reading card and too poorly to deal right now. Will update tomorrow, hopefully we will all feel better.......

here she is a day late but, just as sweet.Look at her wee heavy eyes poor baby. This mad fairy top was purchased the 1st day we knew we were having a wee girl. I was still in shock, after 2 boys and Pug has his 2 other boys I was sure our baby would be another boy.....when the sonographer said almost definitely a girl Pug started crying. He then dragged me down town so we could buy girl stuff, he bought this wee top.