crazyness occurring

this week the doodle has been preoccupied with 'hats'. he has to wear them whilst driving his train.

stupidly, i went upstairs to get Sadie up and left doodle in livingroom without puuting gate over!!!! agh, 2 minutes - only 2 minutes, we don't live in a palace - I only nipped upstairs - came down and found a 1/2 empty new bottle of ketchup all over Archie's new cream chair. Took it in my stride laughed and (o forgot to add, I'd only put it on the night before having just washed and ironed it the night before - his backside hadn't even sat on it) put a wash on, when I came to hang it out, I thought I'll put Sadie in the big pants while I nip to garden........

To balance out out excessive washing energy consumption we planted some of our own carbon neutral veg.

Robbed

Been thinking a lot about this lately...... A few hours after Alfie died I was sitting in a room in the hospital (can't even remember which room) discussing with the consultant on duty the birth procedure. My gut instinct was just to get Alfie out - I wanted a section there and then. I was persuaded however, for many different reasons to have an induction - one of the biggest reasons and the one that swayed me was my mums, she said - 'you've been robbed of your baby, don't be robbed of the experience of childbirth'......she was absolutely right. After Alfie was born we did skin to skin straight away - the labor itself was good under the circumstances, we were given a pessary at apprx 8am and he was born at 6.30pm good for a 1st labor. I felt like wonder women - I had actually given birth - theres teh cathc - I'd in reality given death, how awful is that!It was however not my ideal birth (aside from Alfie being stillborn), I had always wanted a water birth and we were on schedule to do that. I used to imagine having my 1st baby in water in the hospital and future babies at home in a pool. I love swimming and as I had just swam a 5k swimathon the day before i found out I was pregnant with Alfie a waterbirth seemed so appropriate. Since Alfie's birth both my other pregnancies have been inductions at 37 weeks - I couldn't have coped with any other way. So why does part of me still feel robbed of a more natural water birth - my babies are here safely and that's the important part. I also wonder why when I hear of somemone else's pregnancy do I still have a pang - is it because I want more babies? is it because I actually want Alfie, is it because I want the bubble back - the time before, before I lost my wee man when life was simple. So, robbed of my son and robbed of my dream to have a natural water birth. I imagine that if I have another baby I'll be brave enough to have a homebirth - I can only do this fantasy because I know it's exactly that - no more babies for us, so I can safely dream.....the reality would be I'd be too scared to not be monitored and in control.

day 13 archie's antics

I turned round in the kitchen the other night and something felt odd, ignoring this feeling (its a common occurrence in my brain) I went into the living room to see Archie - only to find he's dragged the big pants into the room to watch tv - that's what was oddly missing from the kitchen......hmmm how could I not miss it! As you can see he also is back into his demolition phase, lets face it he never really left it yet - will he ever!!!!!

Archie has been talking much more this week and has begun to repeat things with out any prompting - we better watch our rather flowery language from now on! We have had, 'me too', 'cocynut', 'oh dear', 'no way', 'purple poo'. Not sure where purple poo came from, I made some cupcakes this weekend with violet food colouring and seriously thought Archie had eaten so much icing he had had a purple poo - I even phoned my mum to see if he'd done a purple poo with her, but no! so I can only assume - purple poo means something else in Archie speak LOL.

Look at that adorable wee face, who would think he chucks crisps all over the kitchen floor, steals ta tas from babies at toddlers, pushes his wee sister over countless times daily, breaks fridge magnets, throws ALL of the books form the shelf onto the floor countless times daily! LOL My awesome Archie - all of it pales into insignificance when he climbs into bed in the morning looks at the wee burn on my hand say 'ouwy' and goes and gets some cream to put on it ( insert mummies heart melting noises). BIG NEWS - Sadie stood for the 1st time today.....looks odd such a wee tot standing, of course I cried...... A week of tears, tantrums, tummy laughs and togetherness with my darlings xxx

Day 6 in the mad house

The week has been pretty mellow considering my wee man is getting up at crazy hours, falling asleep in his dinner and not eating anything much bar fruit yoghurt and of course CAKE.......always cake of any description, plus a bit of sand from his beach thrown in. He does like climbing in sisters big pants - which can be treacherous for all involved.

A 1/2 litre of yoghurt was poured all over the kitchen and it took 3 times longer than normal to hang out the washing, as quick as I could get it up it was yanked down - he moved his slide around after me so he could climb up to yank clothes off which promptly 'cleaned' his sand pit. No more room rearranging as yet. Archie has mastered 3 syllables so can now say - mo-ty-bike, and poo-fy-pat, LOL. Above all he has been an absolute pleasure, his usual cuddly cosy self. Yesterday we went to Cambo estate to the snowdrop walk - thought of his beautiful big brother and smiled. Archie loved it, running wild in muck, throwing stones in the river, playing pooh sticks and eating cake in the cafe.

sands days

Sometimes weeks go by without much thought of sands and other times it feels like it is my life. I had a support meeting on friday night and listened to my wonderful friend tell her lovely son Callan's story, which was emotional....Monday I talked to 20 midwives and students about the role of sands in the journey of baby loss. It felt great to feel as though our story might actually have an impact on the way they think in the future, the way other parents and babies are treated and the way a woman is treated in subsequent pregnancies. That's my big thing - I know we can't bring the babies back, but we can insure the next pregnancy is as easy as possible - no repetition of story, the same faces to deal with, control over decisions and so on. Of course it also felt good to express the pride I felt in my son, that event hough he was dead I still wanted skin to skin, I wanted to see him - I'd spent 9 months imagining what he looked like, how he would feel, smell.....paradoxically I was both excited and frightened of seeing him. I knew my hello would also be a goodbye. Monday night I had a sands committee meeting and discussed many things that we can do to improve the services we offer, this resulted in me getting back on the email to our local MSP. I spent a while thinking recently about what I want for my role in sands and came to the decision whilst chatting with mum that I would like to be an advocate for parents who have experienced stillbirth. If I can influence the way doctors, midwives, health visitors treat us then I know Alfie's legacy will be fulfilled. He is the reason other mums are being treated with kindness and consideration, therefore his far too short existence has had a tangible purpose. I spoke with my health visitor on Tuesday and discussed what sands does, so I am now delivering some training to her 'cluster group' of surgeries, she didn't even know to contact us if she had to help a bereaved parent!!!! My friend Susan and I are now booked on to the sands befrienders training course, we will officially be able to help bereaved parents. Phew, I also started reading 'they were still born' thanks for the tip Jeanette. And finally last night I watched 'one born every minute' which showed a woman having a live birth after a stillbirth, I felt strangely detached......not sure how I felt about it - had anticipated feeling very emotional possibly built myself up for it, but then when you've experienced it for real watching someone else isn't too hard. On weeks like this, I think I appreciate all that Alfie has given me - my wonderful sands friends, my relationship with my mum and dad and most of all my husband and darling kids we brought home - without whom life seems impossible. had Alfie not gone before they wouldn't exist - a thought that is nothing short of terrifying. From the shadows of my darkest moments comes the light of my babies smiles xxxx

day 1 Archie's month of madness

My darling wee man is currently in the business of removals, as can been seen in the above pic. I'm pondering how to overcome this new phenomena? bolt the bed to the floor? mmmm smacks of a cell, take the mattress of and lay it on floor? mmmm smacks of student flat/squat.....no answer as usual - just hope its a phase and keep plodding on. Archie is a mad wee man, but he is also such a wee softie. Today he has done many things....primarily getting up for the 2nd day on the trot at 5am, NOT a happy mummy does this make. He has however also - got into the bath tonight with his nappy on, kissed his sister when she was crying, said 'stones' after a trip to the beach with grandad this morning. Played in the garden, emptied a bucket of sand on to his sisters head.....but my favourite is finding a wee heart shape piece of glass on the beach and bringing it home for mummy.

He also likes to sit on his sister, on the table x x