Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Saturday, 23 April 2011

oor week in the heelands

Last week the kids and I plus Auntie Mo mo and Grandma Grandad spent a week at 'great glen water park'. It was a welcome break after the 5 days of illness - that mastitis it oooowwweeee, hope tis gone for good. We had a lovely time, doing nowt - weather was pretty crap and place was miles from anywhere, so the pool and walks was about it. That and I ate for scotland! choclate every night and tablet like it was going out of style. We visited a rare breeds croft, which Archie loved......see above. The wee lambs were feeding and peeing everywhere which amused him no end.
Archie learnt to swim with armbands this week.....G and G were very good at taking him swimming, I was less eager - being lazy besom I am. It was amazing to see the change in him over the week, throwing himself in with no-one to catch him by the end of the week. Sadie also loved it, she was super confident in the water - we sat her on the side and said 1 2 3, on 3 she pushed herself into our arms in the pool.
We had a wee day out to Fort Augutus where we had to have coffee and cakes - which has become Archie's favourite phrase for now. Every cafe we pass he shouts 'coffee cake mummy', no question that he's my son!
On our day oot, Archie spied a tractor in someones garden....Grandma being the nutter she is, let him climb on - luckily the folk were oot!
Thank goodness for grandma and grandad - ooh and of course, the invincible Auntie Mo mo - without whom life would be dull, and much much harder. Love love love xxx

Monday, 4 April 2011

mothers day - some random thoughts

I never thought much about mothers day prior to Alfie, it wasn't as if I longed to be given a card or flowers etc, it was always about my mum. The 1st mothers day after Alfie died I was gutted, I never left the house. I remember the build up prior to the day, the shops full of cards, flowers, chocolates - everything on special in the supermarkets etc. I was hellish. At that point I used an online forum as a means of support. On the boards I used loads of mums were dreading the day, many of them received gifts anyways - a lot of them received cards from their 'angels' signed by the dads in the angels behalf. I had such mixed emotions about it all.......I really seriously do not believe Alfie is an angel and when people say that it drives me nuts - I am not an 'angel mummy'I much prefer the term bereaved parent. I use the term baby loss (however it is a common less offensive term) - but also have issues with that, its not like I misplaced Alfie like a set of keys - he died, it is so very different. So, that 1st mothers day - I got nothing, even though I didn't want a card from my 'angel' - I did expect Pug to do something to mark the day, even a card from him saying what I don't really know, maybe that he feels for me a mum without a child etc.... His argument was that mothers day is about mothering, raising your child and I had at that point never mothered a child, no breastfeeding, changing, cuddling - but surely nurturing my child in my womb for 37 weeks is part of mothers, giving birth ( not birth really) maybe I should say laboring my child - counts for some form of mothering? otherwise that negates a relationship with our child prior to birth. I still have mixed emotions about that day, about our very different reactions to it. I can only think that Pug related his male experience to the day, that as a man he had a very limited relationship - if at all with our wee man therefore for him being a parent is about after the birth, sadly our birth was a death an he never got any relationship with Alfie. The next year was very different, he made a big fuss because Archie was here, of course it was wonderful and I loved feeling part of a day and been so painfully excluded from a year before. Like every other 'special' day it is tainted knowing that my 1st son isn't with me, not too the point of tears or hiding in the house, just an awareness of what could have been.........but then what about my babies I have with me? they wouldn't exist - an unthinkable situation. SO that's the fucked up life of a parent dealing with a child's death. This year was a wash out so I've asked for another mothers day in a few weeks - mastitis, poorly Archie and love him as I do with all my heart and more - I never got my mothers day card until 7pm, not quite the same as being woken up in bed with flowers( even better if they are picked by the kids from garden, don't need store bought)and a yummy breakfast....... I'll hold him to it!!!

Some things I've been making

Peggy wearing her Flossie's pinafore - I hope Jeanette doesn't mind, I made it slightly longer to fit a 2yr old. Sadie's is cut out ready along with matching culottes Sweet!
I made these 'tattoo'ed' twins for our anniversary - I embroidered the tats and them sewed them up, took ages but they are so random it was so worth it to see Pug's face when I gave him them in the morning, bit old t start getting into dolls, but the kids love them.
Archie's Pickles vest - it has come in so handy while he's poorly and having jammy days, wouldn't mind one myself.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

sands weekend

It's been over a week since I returned from my befriender training in glasgow. I have wanted to write about it, but the week has been hectic! just to finish off a crazy week - I've got a yucky bout of mastitis and Archie has a bad cold which has infected his wee eyes. Sad because we had planned a day out with the whole family for mothers day ( see another post on this)to an old steam railway. We went anyways -
Sadie eating as usual and the lovely wee Caitlin. I'm so ill at this point I have three jackets on and I was still freezing.
Sadie baby girl in the baggage rack - another of her dad's photos! I can assure you no child was harmed in the making off this photo - the train was still in the station on Woops, off on a tangent. Back to sands weekend. It was lovely to spend some time with Susan, however it was emotionally draining. We also had out friday night support meeting, where I met a new couple and was rushed back to that early place where grief is overwhelming and you are desperate for someone to help you find a way forward.......draining, however felt lovely helping the couple as I shed a tear on their behalf. Glasgow was interesting, the 1st day was a generic 'communication' workshop, it felt a little like a busmans holiday. ON the 2nd morning, Susan and I filled in the workbook at breakfast - I ended up crying, I realised my triggers a while ago and I felt able to release them.I now know if I discuss how Alfie's death affected my loved ones, I lose it. It's as though I've become immune to my own 'story' but not how painful it was for others. When I think of how hard it was for my mum and dad it kills me. The sunday workshop was very emotional for the other women, however I went into mode and felt nothing, other than empathy for the woman sharing her babies story with me. The outcome of the day for me was the desire to advocate on behalf of mums who've lost a during her next pregnancy and to help with the communication with the hospital. We also discussed the lack of support in parenting after loss, and we were encouraged to talk about our Tuesday club at the scottish network day. I wonder if we need to talk to national sands about what we can all do to help mums and dads with parenting.