mothers day - some random thoughts

I never thought much about mothers day prior to Alfie, it wasn't as if I longed to be given a card or flowers etc, it was always about my mum. The 1st mothers day after Alfie died I was gutted, I never left the house. I remember the build up prior to the day, the shops full of cards, flowers, chocolates - everything on special in the supermarkets etc. I was hellish. At that point I used an online forum as a means of support. On the boards I used loads of mums were dreading the day, many of them received gifts anyways - a lot of them received cards from their 'angels' signed by the dads in the angels behalf. I had such mixed emotions about it all.......I really seriously do not believe Alfie is an angel and when people say that it drives me nuts - I am not an 'angel mummy'I much prefer the term bereaved parent. I use the term baby loss (however it is a common less offensive term) - but also have issues with that, its not like I misplaced Alfie like a set of keys - he died, it is so very different. So, that 1st mothers day - I got nothing, even though I didn't want a card from my 'angel' - I did expect Pug to do something to mark the day, even a card from him saying what I don't really know, maybe that he feels for me a mum without a child etc.... His argument was that mothers day is about mothering, raising your child and I had at that point never mothered a child, no breastfeeding, changing, cuddling - but surely nurturing my child in my womb for 37 weeks is part of mothers, giving birth ( not birth really) maybe I should say laboring my child - counts for some form of mothering? otherwise that negates a relationship with our child prior to birth. I still have mixed emotions about that day, about our very different reactions to it. I can only think that Pug related his male experience to the day, that as a man he had a very limited relationship - if at all with our wee man therefore for him being a parent is about after the birth, sadly our birth was a death an he never got any relationship with Alfie. The next year was very different, he made a big fuss because Archie was here, of course it was wonderful and I loved feeling part of a day and been so painfully excluded from a year before. Like every other 'special' day it is tainted knowing that my 1st son isn't with me, not too the point of tears or hiding in the house, just an awareness of what could have been.........but then what about my babies I have with me? they wouldn't exist - an unthinkable situation. SO that's the fucked up life of a parent dealing with a child's death. This year was a wash out so I've asked for another mothers day in a few weeks - mastitis, poorly Archie and love him as I do with all my heart and more - I never got my mothers day card until 7pm, not quite the same as being woken up in bed with flowers( even better if they are picked by the kids from garden, don't need store bought)and a yummy breakfast....... I'll hold him to it!!!