a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

busy weekend......preparations for Haha's 1st bday.

This weekend had been a busy, and thanks to Pug I've had plenty sleep and plenty of mum time to make. Auntie Monica watched the kids on sat afternoon so I was able to get stuff done.

A wee set of rompers, I had intended to make them with some lovely Michael Miller 'love birds' fabric - but didn't have enough, so this came from my stash.

A close up

Then I made some bunting, I made from all the scraps of the clothes I've made her this year. it's so cheerful I might put itup in my classroom ( scary thought that!).

Finally her dolly......I love her. I did want to make a doll from scratch but no quite that good yet. clothkits is fine for us.

sinking

My wee love is rapidly approaching her 1st birthday very mixed emotions in my head I can tell you. Still wee enough to bathe in sink tho!

Fathers day bonnie frock and the cons - of course. We went to 'muddy boots', was great. Kids happy playing in munchkins land, Dad happy dirt sledging, mum happy pottering round yummy food shop.

Another wee smiley face bath/sink shot.....too cute to resist. Finally have an firm answer on my return to work - I say Finally, we will wait and see but for now I return in 7 weeks at the beginning of term 3 days a week. Mon - wed which means no more boob club and no more tuesday club, sigh - the life of a working mum looms yuck yuck. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to leave them full time? I have organised Archie going once a week to the secret garden nursery, very excited - totally outdoor nursery, no building, all year round playing in woods come rain or shine, perfect for my wee 'boyish' boy.

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

we are having a major malfunction re photos - Archie lost y sd card for my camera and my phone is so old I cant get my photos on to facebook to get onto C. So i've manged to get a few fro tagged fb photos.

Sadie looked absolutely adorable at the wedding as did Archie. His kilt outfit was a big hit! Sadies outfit was great I was up until midnight finishing the crochet on her bolero. I will try and get photos up soon.

Peggy aka PP was a flower girl and looked beautiful she had a lovely wee headband on made by her lovely mummy - made from loads of little cream buttons - must get one for Sadie. Big news round here is the prep for Sadies 1st bday. Bunting to make, doll to make, romper suit to make.......and on the day yummy scones cakes and mini sarnies to make. It is an emotional time coming towards her bday - I keep going back to how I felt last year at this time, still haven't looked at her baby baby photos.....time travels too fast. On that note - she is still teeny and has nae teeth! I showed a lovely friend Alfie's photo - the one I carry in my purse a few days ago, she'd never seen him as I met her after I lost him, quite recently actually. She cried - I've forgotten that people aren't used to photos of dead babies, its become so normal to me. This makes me sad and happy all at once. I cried when Gill cried - it made him real again - almost!