Thursday, 24 November 2011
Last friday we made cookies, painted and Oh yeah went for a walk to the park. I got the kids all bundled up in winter waterproofs and dragged them our for some fresh air. En route we did a little shopping, Archie was great in the shop, helped me and didn't run away! At the green man he did his usual and pressed the button, however it was a really busy road and I wanted him on the buggy board which meant he didn't get to wait for the button underneath to start turning, to which he commented "that's ridiculous!!!" - took all my mummy powers to stop me laughing. At the park we had a blast, both Archie and Sadie can now play pretty much independently at the playpark. Archie wanted to go for a walk to the bridge, so we had a slow walk round playing in the leaves and chatting, Sadie was in teh pram and hapiily shouting at every dog that went past. At the water garden/bridge Arch wanted to play in the stream - he was road testing his cool new wellies so I was ok with it, then he tried to go further - I hauled him back, next thing I know he is off - squealing an running through the reeds - I got the fright of my life, leapt over the barrier and ran through the reeds after him ( I had no idea how deep the water was......) I was up to my knees in muck - white converse and all, he was laughing so hard. Not for long, he was shoved on his buggy board and I squelched/marched my way home, him screaming the whole way "I want to go park" and eventually " I want to be good" (I caved at that point and gave him a cuddle). Got some funny looks as I squelched home with muddy feet and screaming child. To top the lot though, every fews days since he rbings me my now ruined cons and says "look, clean now mummy!" - cleaner than they were when I was knee deep in mud that's for sure.
Friday, 11 November 2011
Lately I've been pondering the word' missing', and a few nights ago in the middle of the night it came to me -after 4 years I realised I don't miss him, I miss what I had imagined as our future - he is however 'missing'.
Missing from my family, missing from our cosy mornings in bed, his birthday will be celebrated tomorrow and he won't be there - he'll be missing - forever missing from my life.
Which leads me to think, how can someone I never knew, someone I haven't heard cry, seen smile or heard shout mama have left such an enormous gap? After 4 years, I had thought I would have come to terms with his death, however if anything it has become harder. The raw grief has passed, but as every year passes I am a year further away from him, from his smell, his touch his softness. He is frozen in time and I guess a part of me has too. I am a fully functioning human, mother, wife,daughter sister, friend, teacher - however a teeniest part of me remains stuck- frozen back on the day they told me my 1st child was dead, nothing now will ever recover that time, its gone and its as if a part of me seems to have left with him.
I guess, the word missing is the closest word people have to describe the emptiness, the total lack one feels when they lose a baby. There doesn't seem to be suitable language to describe the emotions one feels - as though losing a baby is so 'un -normal' its never warranted a word to describe it, instead we have to borrow language from other situations - hmmm now I know I'm not making sense and I'm sleep deprived. People say 'I don't know what to say' - is it because we don't have the words to describe the awfulness of what has happened, or because as a society we've never needed them, because historically our babies weren't fullyfledged members of society and therefore one didn't need language to discuss something that simply didn't exist.
Last year on Alfie's anniversary for the first time I felt an emptiness in the gestures we made to mark his special day. Those gestures seemed to emphasis the lack of him rather than celebrate him.
I listened to an interesting debate this week about babyloss and one of the panel, a psychatrist was discussing the lack of rituals surrounding babyloss. This idea resonated with me, it is so true - and the sad fact is that recognised rituals don't exist simply because society doesn't recognise our babies and therefore they don't require a specific ritual. We have to make our own rituals, which are recognised by other people who've lost a baby - these rituals appear macabre to anyone outside the group, and to be brutally frank I think that prior to Alfie's death I would have found the idea of a birthday cake for a dead child odd. We are, however forced into creating 'special' things to do, to validate our childs existence.
This week someone at work did the usual "now you've got two wee ones to look after..." I am well aware of the beauty and awesomeness of Archie and Sadie - I don't need to be told that, and certainly not as a vehicle to avoid discussing the 'missing' child.
Hmmm on re reading this I realise I'm clearly feeling hostile - bracing myself for the overwhelming sadness that is to come.
Kisses to my darling boy xxx Mummy loves you whether you are missing or not
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Archie asked me this the other day at silly o'clock while we were making cookies (the things you find yourself doing at 6am). I attempted to explain about seeds sun rain etc......his response "that's weird". When did my wee one become so grown up?
I know its great that he is so inquisitive already asking what things do and what they are for? try explaining the point of fireworks to an almost 3 yrs old.....My current fave Archie asked chat is "i really love you mummy" or the"i love you too" (before anyone tells him they love him) - i hear it easily 25 times a day an never tire of it.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Woke up this morning to Haha Shouting "i want daddy" so clear i thought it was a dream. She has been saying the odd word for a few months but its clear now to non-family.
Words so far.
Juju - juice
Bubas - i want boob fed.
Tata - dummy
So odd to hear such a teeny wee thing talking, specially because Archie doodle was well over 2 before he spoke. Sadie has only just started walking and still prefers to crawl, they done the opposite to one another. Shame they are with thrashers - Haha seems to be following her brother on that score, her long standing favourite is emptying the food cupboard-10 times a day. Hmm should put a lock on it, but that would spoil the fun