Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

60-366 that wednesday feeling, yai it is my weekend

This is my long term plan for this year, I want to make an adult size ripple blanket for mum, my brother (bday pressie) and myself. HUGE project, but I am hoping to take it slow and get them done without pressure. The plan is to start mums 1st and use cotton, see how that goes and then adjust if needed.
I have also however to make a blanket each for the kids and all the other usual day to day sewing and knitting. I'm still working on the purple retro jumper, I have a mustard wee wrap top to sew up for new baby, a circular cushion to finish for mum and I want to make another 'crepe' dress for myself and a few pinnies for Haha for the spring...yikes I've just remembered I am going to make Peggy her Annie dress. Phew - glad we've got a 2 week holiday on the horizon.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

59-366 'happy days' and even happier nights.

Today was mixed, I had one of those teaching days where very little goes right and lots goes wrong.....where I end up raising my voice at the kids and then remembering that it is pointless and doesn't work. Not easy to remember though when you have 25 preteens bouncing around a class. I wonder if there is any learning going on!
Anyhow, I came home to the perfect antedote my babies......
Kisses and cuddles in bed and both of them going to sleep at 7pm with no protest - miracle!

Then some much needed me time,

Early bed, cup of tea and a book - bliss. I realise this makes me sound middle aged and very un 'rock n roll' but I am middle aged, I must finally give in to that.

Monday, 27 February 2012

58-366 Auntie Momo's mini breaks = Big happiness

What an awesome view from the front window

log fire brings hours of amusement.
We all stayed in this lovely wee house in Pitlochry last October and had a great time. Archie loved it and has referred to his 'Pitlochry house' a few times. At 7.45am this morning Momo called to say did we want to go again this Easter, I jumped at the chance and Archie jumped around the kitchen when I told him we were going back. So looking forward to a wee break from the norm, walking, pottering round Pitlochry, cooking, knitting, running in a new rural place. Also hoping Momo will indulge me in a wee trip to karelia house........beautiful wool and fabric.
Lovely to have a quiet peaceful time to look forward to.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

57-366 Happiness helps

Miss Mini has taken up crochet, after spending hours in the kitchen this afternoon doing the weekly cook - mexican pork stew, frijoles rancheros, mac n cheese, corn salad. Sadie and I settled down to a cuppa and a cosy on the sofa whilst the boys slept - I left he room for a few minutes and returned to see Sadie has taken up the hook! She spent ages playing with the wool and hook, which suited me as I could do some crochet myself, The circular thing is mum's cushion in progress.

After lovely day, I went to see the help tonight with my mum, it was so lovely just the two of us don't know how long its been since we did something without the kids!
Awesome movie, I loved the book and for once the film was pretty close to the original in my opinion. Well worth going to see, tears, laughter and the belief that change is possible! what could be better.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

56-366 family time happiness

We've had a mental few weeks between Pug being away and Archie being poorly, moreover the consequence of Pugs being away to USA means he has soooo much work to catch up on he is working 6 days a week......I am sorely missing some time for the 4 of us. As I write this I realise we have no photos of the 4 of us together - must do something about that.

We had a nice quiet domestic day. My day started at 5.19am when MiniHaha decided she wanted mumma. Then Archie woke at 6.30am as Sadie went back down. Luckily Archie is being so mellow right now, we had a lovely morning - breakfasting, chatting and sewing I even managed to finish my new dress.
We were up so early we were out the house by 10am, weekly grocery shop and a few wee treats, another new digger!
We spent a lovely afternoon, cosying in bed watching cbeebies and napping while Pugs had some dad time.
Happy happy happy! looking forward to a quiet day in the house tomorrow,crocheting grandmama's cushion, play in the garden and a big run for me in eve. I'm loving the running - specially at night, I see my shadow and I think shit that's ME! Running!

55-366 grandmamas birthday

Making Grandmama's birthday cards and cake - why can't I master cream cheese frosting? I totally follow the recipe and I've tried loads of different ones and it never works, its always way too runny. If anyone has any tips I'm open to as much help as possible.We has loads of fun painting, sticking, icing and doing jigsaws.But........

Poor Mini has hand foot and mouth so we couldn't go to Grandmama's bday party. Never got a taste of the cake! Wee lamb she doesn't seem to bothered by the blisters, but she if definitely no right, she just wants mamma all the time, so we have done lots of cuddling and non stop boobies.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

54-366 happy mummy and happy daughter

My beautiful girl.......
Normally on Thursday afternoon Sadie and I meet a friend in the park and go for a run/walk. It is the only 2 1/2 hrs in the week when its just us as I'm off work and Archie is in nursery. This week we couldn't meet up with our pals so we went downtown - it was just lovely, she chatted away to me the whole time pointed at everything and saying what it was. We had such a leisurely time we even managed to fit in a wee Costa cuppa, so nice to sit in a cafe with one of my kids and not spend the time running round after them like a demented woman - why like, I am a demented woman! Not today though we both happily sat and had a wee mummy and her girlie chat with our drinks....bliss xxx I hope for many many more

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

53-366 splashy shower happiness

How adorable watching these 3 wee nutters in the shower, Archie was minging on return from Secret Garden and the girls had both had a poomegedon situation - what is is for it but to get washed together. They loved and needless to say it was a fight to get them out and down to tea. Look at that total glee on the 2 older ones faces, how wonderful to be so happy and amused by such simple things. Even better is there is soon to be a 4th one on its way to join in the fun!

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

52-366 homemade happiness, blink and you'll miss it

I know this looks minging, but according to Pug is was really tasty bacon mushroom creamy tomato pasta.
We rarely eat pasta anymore due to my carb free dinners, but every now and again I feel sorry for pugs and make it. Doing so means 3 meals, pasta for Pugs and Sadie, I had  roasted butternut squash and rocket salad and Archie had Pizza (one of the 3 things he eats for tea). So it was to my great delight tonight that he asked for pasta!!! Oh my I was so happy I grabbed a plate full took a quick photo (not easy with a crappy camera on phone and a screaming toddler in the background) and gave him it. He knew it wasn't cheesy pasta and ate a few pieces anyways - OK maybe 5 pieces but for us that's a miracle, it wasn't breaded or baked in the oven and he ate it. Really, I know it is sad but I am so happy that he ate something I cooked. It is so demoralising making lovely healthy food and scraping into a bin every night, hence the pizza/baked items. I admit I gave up, I couldn't do it to myself anymore and I figure in the immediate sense he is healthy, rarely ill and has enough energy to run a  small substation. Somewhere lurking in the back of my mind is the long term damage he is doing to his body, but I try and push those thoughts away and think at least he eats tons of fruit and masses of houmous (packed with protein). I hope that one day we can all sit down and eat a normal meal togther without Archie having his baked fayre.......I am proud to say however dull his diet is and even though he does eat sweeties and crisps etc we have never ever eaten fastfood - so far so good to zero golden arches, Burger King, fried Chicken etc- maybe one day we'll eat a chippy, if we are eating fastfood its got to be decent chippy I'm embracing his scottish cultural side and ditching the USA equivalent.

P.S Miss Haha devoured her pasta and asked for more, at least someone enjoys my cooking x

Monday, 20 February 2012

51-366 cosy wooly happiness

How cosy it that?

It is the perfect wool to work with in this nasty weather. As soon as my wee sweeties were in bed tonight I had the kettle on, cup of tea and knitting. The yarn is Drops Eskimo 100% wool super chunky, I scored a huge bargain and got 10 - yes I said 10 balls for £5 on the awesome ebay of course.
It makes me so happy cosying up with the knitting, I started this yesterday whilst Archie and I watched Pinocchio during Haha's nap - I had tea he had hot choc, well earned after an afternoon tidying our garden ready for spring. As Archie says 'all we need now is a fire mummy!'

Sunday, 19 February 2012

50-366 chocolate and running happiness

Not two things that are usually thought of together, however I have found that after my 1st 4K run, chocolate tastes even better - probably because I don't feel guilty about eating it. I have over indulged this last few days due to our 'half term' break, really its any bloody excuse. I have been for a run on 3 out of the 4 days so hopefully I won't have put on too much weight. I'm trying to think long term and about health rather than obsess about size, easier said than done!!  Seriously I am well chuffed with myself, my aim was to run a 5k in may and 10k in sept, looks like I'm on track for the 5k may -happy happy happy!!!

Saturday, 18 February 2012

49-366 we are steadily becoming an outdoors - digger kinda family

Our  indoor digger parade
Today we made another trip to the park - it was freezing, it snowed and yet the sun shone and the bairns we happy. Archie played forever with his brueder digger (Sorry Sam O, it is still in use!) and Sadie pottered around his usual Miss Independent self.
I managed to fit a run in - its going pretty well, I can manage to run nonstop for apprx 25-30mins, not bad since I only started a month ago.
Grandmama came with us and she managed a fast walk round the park so we were all happy.
looking for fish
Going it alone as usual
After the park we went back to Grandmama and Granda's - we love the blue bin, don't ask! Its too much fun climbing in and not letting each other out. Hope its not potential for future claustrophobia.
Sadie Haha loves to sit on rather than at the table, she's so teeny I forget she is too 'big' to be getting away with that besom like behaviour.

Kids were in bed early tonight and Pugs cooked yummy Mexican, Sopes, ground beef Mole and Queso fresco, real sat night treat.
If anyone is interested, Archie's awesome bright yellow jacket is from Raindrops it is made by Swedish company Tells and is the best waterproof ever believe me we've tried a few. I am about to order him the dungarees the same. When we were at the park today I was so sad to see a wee man desperate to get stuck in with Archie in the sand but his mum wouldn't let him get dirty, get some Tells lady they rock! Best bonus with a wee nutter like doodle is they are so bright I can spot him from miles..........phew x

48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content

Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.
The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.
Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.
I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.
What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.

I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.
Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.


I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

Thursday, 16 February 2012

47-366 well deserved happiness, cakes, flowers, muddy boots and lots of smiles

Haha's 'cheese' face
Archie and Momo playing with the digger
Filling up the tank  - who would have thought that this child spent the whole of yesterday in bed and had a home visit from the gp!
chasing chickens
Dancing is my new favourite thing to do, which is great because Momo got me the teeniest pair of tap shoes at the charity shop today.
with Momo at the  night time snowdrop walk at Cambo - totally awesome!
Inside a wee wicker hoose
Bibi's after eight cupcake mmmmmmm
Perfect end to a lovely day - Bibi's white choc vanilla cupcake and a huge mug of tea.

This is the result of a packed day - we made up for 5 days of being stuck indoors.
Auntie Momo bought some beautiful snowdrops from Cambo to plant for Alfie at the cemetry - all my babies were thought of today, perfect x

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

46-366 1st of the year

Even with the awful camera on my phone these beautiful daffies look so cheery, they can't fail to make one feel happy. They also bring with them a sign that winter is drawing to a close and spring is on the horizon. The days are getting longer and I leave for work and return in day light. I've already started to daydream about warmth, the kiddos running about in the garden, what lovely summery clothes I can make them.......Babacues (Archie speak) and dare I say it a day at the beach. I'm getting ahead of myself, for now I'm settling for some cheery yellow flowers to keep me going.

They are also the colour of the wee wrap top I'm knitting new baby, perfect for a spring wee one. x

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

46-366 love is in the air...

Not really actually - been the most uneventful in a romantic way since Pugs and I met. We exchanged cards this morning (homemade, we made a pact last year we would make all our cards for one another from then on) and that was it! We are both pretty burnt out looking after poorly kids, juggling crazy sleep patterns and jet lag, so we've decided to celebrate on the weekend and have a posh homecooked dinner.
I did decorate a wee corner with some treats - they were meant to be for work colleagues, but i've been off being Nurse Nancy!
crochet heart garland and felt hearts.
Sadie's weekend valentines breakfast.....Archie had a train pancake, not at first love related - but i think train journeys are romantic...

Monday, 13 February 2012

44-366 happy to help

Today has been so odd, due to Archie feeling so poorly we've been in that fog of illness. Napping at weird times, not actually achieving much except keeping the kids calm and well.
Tonight I had a Sands meeting so I was able to escape the sanatorium our house has become. It was lovely to see my friends and also to think I'm doing some good. My time for sands is the time I would have spent doing stuff for Alfie. I really hope we are doing some good, sometimes it feels we can't move forward and we have so many things we want to do. I guess sadly, so long as people are still losing babies I know we will still be there to support them which is the main thing. I know without the warmth and support I received when Alfie died my process of grief would have been harder and longer. I only hope that people feel the same when they find us. I've said it a number of times before, however it does make me feel as though Alfie died for a reason - his legacy is that I can help other parents who suffer. A hard and bitter pill to swallow - but over 4 years later it does make me happy to think I can help.
My wee man didn't die in vain

43-366 sleeping in wee ones bed does make me happy!

even if it means I don't get to blog my happiness for the day.
Poor wee soul is poorly and has such a high temp, I didn't want to leave him to sleep alone. I snuck out for a few hours, but by 1.30am he was back in our bed.
Even if I feel awful today, it is just lovely cosying down with a wee cutey.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

42-366 happy digging

The famous breuder digger, abandoned in favour of a wee plastic asda one - what can I say, I should know better. We had a lovely time at the park, I managed to run whole way round minus the hill in 17 minutes, so loving the running - just as well because sat night choc is BIG this week.
cheers for the hot chocolate mum - look at that inferior digger, why can't he see that? nutter!       

Friday, 10 February 2012

41-366 happiness is Pugs home

My lovely man is home safe and v tired. The kids loved their treats (photos to follow).......
I gave up on my sat only choc due to the huge amounts of peanut butter choc combos in the house - I did last till 9.30pm tonight. MMMMM trader Joe's peanut butter cups and an eve of sewing for myself, might get the frock done by the end of the weekend, only if the prelim papers aren't too much of a headache.
My heart is lighter today thanks to pugs - Oh and his grannies lovely button box.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

40-366 grateful, sad

We lost a family member today, my dad's uncle. I am grateful that by chance I was with my mum and brother when my dad called to pass on the news...........grateful also that my dad was there with my uncle at his unexpected end.

Happy is hard today, this is as positive as I can manage. 
Pug is due home in the morning, that will bring a huge wave of happiness into our household again.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

39-366 happily row row rowing his boat

This is what we were doing at 7.30am this morning - lucky for you all I didn't capture a shot of me in the other laundry basket LOL.....and check out that awesome bedhead, guaranteed to make me happy.

P.S Pugs went to Target and apparently the Jason Wu line was sold out within in minutes, women queued at door over night waiting - sigh......never mind I cut my new pattern out tonight, just need to decide on a fabric.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

38-366 happiness is remote shopping

So since Pugs has been away I have fighting the retail envy, I have given him instructions as to what we need....chipolte in adobo sauce, mexican oregano, ranch dressing, various chillies, tamale husks, peanut butter m&ms and on.

Tonight he asked if there was a special treat I wanted? This is probably due to the fact he has spent all his cash on the wee ones and his grandma bought him a Kindle (thank goodness someone got him one - he's been going on bout it forever!). 

Thank goodness for Internet, I jumped straight on the target site and found some lovely things - I miss that store sooo much.

I hope he finds one of these pretties X