Another year further on.....x

Strange to think that the last 5 years have been the hardest and yet the sweetest. We have come along way, and yet the further we have come the further I am from Alfie. That pretty much sums up our bittersweet situation.

We did however, have a lovely day - took beautiful flowers to Alfie's grave, the kids took balloons - gorgeous red and purple with wee heart balloons attached. I shed a tear or few when I saw the kids, especially wee Pegster.....the innocence, is heartbreaking - my 2 are way too informed and au fait with death and the grave yard is pedestrian to them. The cakes at Loch Levens Larder were as lush as usual, as was the company. The kids were great, shame it was awful weather, the day Alfie died it was a gorgeous sunny autumnal day. Monday was grim and grizzly, didn't stop our lot - out playing in the rain.
My mum always has a mass said for Alfie, as I never go to mass nor believe in any form of afterlife I go for my mums sake......This year I was way more emotional, I think because for the 1st time I had to spend the day hiding my tears from the kids, previously they have been unaware of my emotional state. It was so healthy to let go, and allow the tears to fall, I had a small pool sitting in the valley of my neck.
Pug and I watched a movie and had some quiet time in the eve, it felt good to just be together.

I spent tue in an exhausted fog, I always find the aftermath way harder - tears so close to the surface. Luckily the kids were in nursery so I slept loads, and hung out in the house avoiding anyone other than Pugs....licking my wounds and navel gazing. I went for  run at the time Alfie was born, it was pissing down I was soaking and it was dark - I spent the whole run remembering him in my arms. So glad I ran, more time for 'us'.

One of the lovely things about the day was my dad's awareness I was dreading him having no idea what was going on, he was however on the ball. He even managed to write our card with his left hand.......different tears.

My beautiful wee man, another year over - yet  your presence is still felt and far reaching. Archie talks of you often and both him and Sadie look in your box regularly. Never forgotten my 1st boy, my forever baby xxxx

lost count....

Don't even know how many days it has been since I posted.
I've missed writing, posting photos and keeping track of our lives, however in the main life has been pretty tough, truth be told.
I really didn't want to document for our future a crappy phase, that said I can't let my wee mans anniversary pass without writing.

Not sure why 5 years seems so significant, why it should be any harder than any other. I have felt pretty fragile for a  a few weeks, however tonight I feel numb. I'm exhausted and in many ways I am relishing the prospect of having a day to feel down legitimately, how hellishly self indulgent.
In some ways I miss Alfie more as time moves on, the harsh pain of loss has gone, now the constant shadow of how my life would have been is what I live with.
I also query now whether, I should be feeling so emotional at this stage? I'm sure a number of people will judge me over the next few days - I'm calling in to work tomorrow. The prospect of teaching kids and being under that level of stress is too much. I want to spend a day in peace with our living kids, holding them close and thinking of their big brother. We are going to take flowers to the cemetery, the kids are taking balloons and then we are going for cake and a walk as a family.

This time 5 years ago Pug and I were having dinner with my Antony and Kirsty, I was massive and so uncomfortable. 37+4 weeks pregnant and just 'waiting'. I had a few tightenings over the eve and was quietly becoming excited - little did I know it would be the last night of my life as I was to know it. Life has now become pre and post Alfie.....sigh xxx

Not a day goes by without thinking of you sweetheart, my heart is bigger and stronger than I ever imagined possible, thanks for that wee man xxx