Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Sunday, 11 November 2012

lost count....

Don't even know how many days it has been since I posted.
I've missed writing, posting photos and keeping track of our lives, however in the main life has been pretty tough, truth be told.
I really didn't want to document for our future a crappy phase, that said I can't let my wee mans anniversary pass without writing.

Not sure why 5 years seems so significant, why it should be any harder than any other. I have felt pretty fragile for a  a few weeks, however tonight I feel numb. I'm exhausted and in many ways I am relishing the prospect of having a day to feel down legitimately, how hellishly self indulgent.
In some ways I miss Alfie more as time moves on, the harsh pain of loss has gone, now the constant shadow of how my life would have been is what I live with.
I also query now whether, I should be feeling so emotional at this stage? I'm sure a number of people will judge me over the next few days - I'm calling in to work tomorrow. The prospect of teaching kids and being under that level of stress is too much. I want to spend a day in peace with our living kids, holding them close and thinking of their big brother. We are going to take flowers to the cemetery, the kids are taking balloons and then we are going for cake and a walk as a family.

This time 5 years ago Pug and I were having dinner with my Antony and Kirsty, I was massive and so uncomfortable. 37+4 weeks pregnant and just 'waiting'. I had a few tightenings over the eve and was quietly becoming excited - little did I know it would be the last night of my life as I was to know it. Life has now become pre and post Alfie.....sigh xxx

Not a day goes by without thinking of you sweetheart, my heart is bigger and stronger than I ever imagined possible, thanks for that wee man xxx

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